Have you wondered why women give bad relationships a second chance or even multiple chances?
Before I ask other women that question, you are probably wondering why I (Rennu Dhillon) stuck around in the horrendous marriage I was in for 4.7 years! My situation was a little different. The first 2 years I had no choice since my immigration status was in limbo. My green card was not processed and back in the 80’s a conditional green card could be cancelled. I had a young infant. Had I left him, he would have done everything to take my child away from me and threatened the green card cancellation all the time. When I did finally get my green card, he used that as a constant threat that he would cancel it if I ever left or reported his abusive behavior. Back in the 80’s the laws were different and there was nothing I would have been able to do, had my immigration been cancelled. Had I not had the issue of the green card, I would have left the first day he raised his hand on me, and never returned. I am glad that the laws are a little better now to protect women in my situation.
However, going back to my first question, why so many women give second and multiple chances to cheating husbands, abusive spouses, crazy men they live with? Are we that blindly in love that we cannot make a rational, logical decision or are we gluttons for punishment?
Having talked to so many women in the last 35 years after my own experience, I summarized the following answers to my question. I am sure there are more so after reading this blog, please do add to the list.
- First and foremost, when we are in a bad relationship, we tend to develop a low self-esteem about ourselves, thinking the problem lies with us, and then we do not think we can do better. This poor self-esteem makes us feel unworthy to meet someone else and we stick around with what we have got.
- Like many abusive relationships, if the women has been raised in an abusive family, many times she will think this is normal behavior and accept it.
- We become too emotionally or financially dependent on the spouse and do not have the confidence to be alone and survive alone. This becomes even more difficult when we have kids to support.
- We are scared to leave because the other party is too hostile, and may stalk us, make our life miserable and possibly hurt us even more.
- We worry about what others are going to say or think and this societal pressure to conform to “being happily married†forces us to accept this bad marriage. Most common reason amongst our Indian community!
- We want our kids to grow up with a father because we think it is necessary.
But the most common reason to stick around in this hostile, abusive relationship is “The Fear of the Unknownâ€. Yes, it is not easy to have to start your life all over again, alone or even with kids, and not know what lies ahead for you. But if you ask any woman today, that has left, started all over again and survived, you will see most of them are thriving in a life free of misery and abuse.
No-one says the road to becoming single again will be easy but imagine your mental, physical and emotional state of mind if you were to continue to stay with such hostility and disrespect. Remember, the erosion of your self-respect over time will make you and any children around you even more harmful. We cannot change anyone else’s behavior but our own.
You owe it to yourself (and your kids if you have any) to lead a life of self-respect, even if it means being alone. Remember, you deserve happiness and love, and if you are not getting this from your current relationship, then you deserve to leave now!
